Well...it's Monday, July 21st around 1:45am. I know what you're thinking. "Mommy why aren't you sleeping?" Oh little girl I wish I could. The truth is I haven't slept much at all in the last couple weeks. Tonight though has been a little harder because in just a few short hours your Daddy, Gramma Dukes and I will be on our way to the hospital so we can finally bust you out of that dark little bubble I've been keeping you safe in. The truth also is that right now I have so many tears running down my face that it's hard to see the screen to write this to you. They are for so many different reasons. One still, probably because yes, Mommy is still a little hormonal. But two, I'm also so scared and nervous and excited and more scared again. Over the last few days it's hit me more and more that you are really going to be here with us. That instead of you being in that dark safe little bubble it really is going to be up to daddy and I to keep you safe on the outside in this big, big world. Everyone has been wishing us well, telling us that we're going to be the best parents for you. I want to believe all of them. I want to believe that we're going to know exactly how to make sure that nothing bad ever happens to you. The truth is though, sometimes, we might not always be able to. Trying to be ok with that is really hard. There are so many things that are out of our control and I think that is one of the scariest parts about becoming a parent. One thing though that I want you to know, is that no matter what, mommy and daddy are going to love you more than anything in this world. We're going to try so hard to be the best we can for you.
I've watched your daddy over the last 39 weeks become such an amazing man. In just the one short year it's been since mommy said "I do" to daddy I really didn't think it was possible for him to be better than he already was. I was already so in love with him and was so blessed that he said "I do" to me. That he was saying I love you to me and promising that we were going to be together forever, no matter what. At that time I felt like, "how could this man be any more amazing?" But little girl, it happened. Through that last 39 weeks I've seen more and more in him what I saw before, that he really is going to be an amazing daddy. That you and I are going to be the luckiest girls in the world because he's ours. He has been so excited to meet you for weeks now. He's been so strong for him and for me. The times when I've been really scared. The times we've went to the hospital already because you were causing a little ruckus in there. He's just been my rock and more and more he just kept getting more and more excited. I have this vision of him being that dad that just wants to shout from the rooftops when you're born and say his little girl is here, and then like in "The Lion King" {which side note, I hope you love when you get older} he holds you up and proudly presents you to the world. I see all of this because you're not even out here with us yet and I know you have him wrapped around those little fingers of yours.
I just lastly want to tell you that I'm sorry. There have been times when I've just been very hard on being pregnant. Saying how much I've hated parts of it. Been miserable about parts of it. I want you to know though that there still wasn't anything that has happened throughout the course of this that I would change. I know now that everything we went through together, we went through because we were supposed to. Everything that has happened, happened for a reason. In a few short hours {I HOPE} you will be here and it will all have been worth every single second of it. So...I am really sorry for all the times I told someone that I hated being pregnant. I'm sorry for all the times that I told someone that being pregnant was the worst. I'm sorry for all the times that I cried at night hating the fact that I was miserable and uncomfortable. I promise baby girl that through all those times I never stopped loving you. I will never stop loving you.
I'll see you soon...
xoxo to the moon and back,
Mommy
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