This one might be a little heavy...

So as many of you may know, or I guess if you don't know I really do have one of the strongest, supportive, amazing moms out there.  My Mamma Dukes as most of you know I call her.  She's the woman who when my twin brother and I were still very young toddlers had our father leave her and my three older siblings all behind to go off and create some other life far away and without a care in the world.  It's hard to explain the specifics because I was so young so I just go off from the stories I was told.  Either way I don't think it makes much of a difference one way or another but we were left to grow up without a father.  My mom worked like a crazy woman, dedicated and passionate, to make sure that we were all taken care of.  I still remember even through all of that she was still there for everything we ever wanted to do.  All the way through my years in college I remember her going everywhere she could to watch my basketball games, even if they were outside of NY and more than a couple hours drive away.  

I guess you're probably wondering where this is going, so here goes...
Since Wesley and I got engaged one of recurring questions that keeps getting asked of me is who was going to walk me down the aisle at our wedding.  I think that a lot of people assumed that it would be my mom.  This isn't going to be the case though.  See I see it a little differently than a few people have.   I see it as the walk up the aisle and then the part of being given away. On my wedding day I see my mom at the end of the aisle, her eyes filling with tears getting to watch her baby girl take that walk.  I see her being able to watch her baby girl walk up that aisle like a mother should.  I want to have not only the comfort of knowing that Wesley is there waiting for me but that my mom gets to watch her last baby girl walk towards a man and make the final steps towards becoming a completed woman.  I feel like that is how it's supposed to be.  Then for the second part, being given away.  That is what I absolutely want my mom to do.  I don't feel there is any other person that should be allowed to do that.  

Before I get to who is walking me down the aisle, I do want to kind of use this post as a bit of therapy about some things that have come up over the last few months regarding my father.  If you can believe it there were some people who absolutely know that part of my history and yet still asked if I would be calling him to ask him to come and give me away.  I have to say that I'm not even really sure what the emotion was when these people would ask this but what I do know is that the answer was always immediately no and there was never really any further discussion about it.   I've always tried to not let that part of my life bother me but in reality it bothers me more than people know.  I usually try to let on that it's never really even once affected me.  That I could care less that he walked away from our lives.  That we're better off with how our lives turned out.  Then I realize maybe this would have never been my life had he stayed, and then I struggle with trying to stop the questions in my head of what life would have been like.  

I was told about two months ago that he had apparently written a letter to me shortly before my trip to Florida for Christmas.  A letter that go figure I never got.  Lucky for him I guess he has had people on that side of my family that were able to keep in touch with him and update him on all the amazing things his children have done.  So of course he knows that I have now found a man that I am going to be spending the rest of my life with.  I guess that might be why I think it's funny now that he writes a letter to me.  I felt like of all times, you want to communicate with me now.  During one of the most amazing yet at the same times stressful times of my life (with all the planning), that you want to put this on me now as well.  That you want me to deal with having you try to somehow reach back into my life.   I was really angry.  I spent a few days mulling all of this before I said anything to Wesley about it and when I did I was still angry.  It's been a few months now and yes, again, I'm still angry about it.  I know that it is a part of my life that needs to be dealt with whether it's by allowing myself to be a bigger person and contact him myself.  Or just continuing to shut it out of my life and maybe going to talk with someone unrelated to any of the history.  (yes, one of those people)  I don't really have any shame in saying that it's something I've thought about often.  It is just not something I'm letting get in the way of our wedding day or the days leading up to it.  However, when I think about solidifying a future with Wesley it is definitely something that still weighs heavy on me, not because I'm skeptical of Wesley but more when I think about us having our own child or children someday in the near future.  I know that Wesley is going to be an AMAZING father someday because of the amazing father he had in his life and I know that I will give my life for a child of my own when that happens.  I guess it's just still that "daddy issue" that I carry around with me tucked away in a really deep deep part of my heart.  

With that here are things that I know:
1) I have the best mother anyone could ask for and she more than made up for missing a father in my life.
2) I have older brothers that always took the role in my life of "if that boy ever hurts you, he'll have us to answer to" and more than that they have never let me down.
3) I have an older sister who always made sure that her and her husband were always going to be there for me and make sure that I knew the true meaning of family.
4) I was blessed to have amazing friends who had amazing fathers who were also always there for me guiding me and providing examples of true fatherhood so that even though I didn't have my own, I would still know what it was like.
5) I was lucky enough that in Junior High as I was entering my competitive High School sports years that I was taken under the wing of one of the best men I've ever known.  A man that to this day has never stopped checking in on me, regularly.  Another man that I had in my life to remind me that even though he wasn't my father by blood, he would always be there for me.

With that said, I asked Mr. Graczyk (Jim) to walk me down the aisle.  He was the athletic director for the last 5 years of my high school sports career.  I remember an immediate connection with him.  In a way during my time in school he was a counselor of sorts for me.  I made regular trips to his office to talk about my day, the things that were going on in my life, who was bothering me, what boy I liked etc.  When it came to the boys he always told me and I quote "BOYS ARE SCUM".  I would laugh every time and try to convince him that he was wrong and that this boy was different.  At my graduation he made sure that he was there to shake my hand on stage as I got my diploma and give me a hug.  A hug that to this day made me realize that he was always going to be there for me even after I left high school.  Sure enough I was right.  He checked in regularly when I went off to college and even made sure to attend as many of my basketball games as he could with the conflicting schedules.  He even let me do an internship with him because I was convinced at one point during college I was going to be an AD just like him.  Mostly I remember that internship as laughing at the other "idiot" AD's that were annoying to him, multiple lunches out, many walks around the fields, but most of all more talks about life.  Then I graduated from college and went off into the real world.  When I moved to California he was the first person that visited.  Even though he was out here for a work conference he made sure to set aside a day to check in on me and make sure I was doing ok.  I don't think there has been a day that has gone by in all these years that in some way he wasn't checking in on me.  Even if it wasn't a phone call, text, or email, it didn't have to be.  I just knew.  I don't think a lot of people have realized the importance of him in my life, and maybe it's actually ok that way.  He's been a silent savior for me.  A constant.  A reminder that family doesn't have to be blood.  I don't think I will ever be able to repay him for the things he has done for me in my life but I do know that on my wedding day he is the one that I want next to me holding me up when my legs inevitably begin to shake.  

I remember calling him on the day that Wesley and I got engaged and it was the first time he didn't say "Boys are scum" when I told him that this boy was different.  I knew that it was meant to be.  I asked him a few months back to walk me down the aisle and it was actually pretty funny.  I told him I need a pretty big favor and that he just needed to make sure he could be here the day before the wedding because we needed to practice something.  He was really confused. I laughed and was like I just need you to practice helping me walk down the aisle.  It then dawned on him what I was trying to say but in that moment and there was no hesitation for him to say yes.  I know that if I would have seen him that there was a huge smile on his face.  I'm so blessed that after all this time he's still there for me and here for me when he's not really here.

So he will walk me down the aisle and Mamma Dukes still gets to give me away.  I hope she knows she'll never really fully be able to give me away, I'm always going to be her little girl.
So a little heavy....Yes
But my heart is really in a happy place.  82 Days till our Big Day.